On the verge of divorce: repairing relationships and recognizing when to let go

The war posed a significant challenge for relationships; not all couples could overcome it. Recently, there has been a surge in divorces in Ukraine, with 10,139 cases registered from January to June 2023. This marks a 33% increase compared to last year, when 7,632 cases were recorded.

We're starting a series of texts on relationships during the war with this material.

Actually, there are a lot more couples who are close to getting divorced than what the statistics show. Long-term stress, uncertainty, long-distance relationships, varying living situations, and financial issues all have a significant impact on relationships. Can these challenges be resolved to save the marriage, or might it be better to move on from the old relationship and focus on the future without the former partner? To gain insight into this, Rubryka interviewed a psychologist.

Every couple is one-of-a-kind, but there are typically shared aspects that can impact the strength of a marriage. These issues can surface at any point in the relationship, ranging from minor disagreements to significant conflicts. Infidelity, arguments, substance abuse, lack of empathy, and neglect towards one another are the prevailing factors that lead Ukrainian couples to seek help from psychologists in times on the verge of breaking up.

Differing goals and desires can create conflict in relationships. For instance, one partner may desire parenthood while the other prioritizes career growth. Financial matters can also be a common source of disagreement, such as when one partner wants to start a business while the other prefers to play it safe with their savings.

Dishonesty is a common issue that can arise between partners. They often withhold information or lie, hoping the problem will resolve itself. However, this approach often causes more conflicts and disappointment when the truth comes out, as it undermines trust not just in the current situation but in the relationship as a whole.

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Today, psychologist Anna Sych has noted a significant rise in the number of divorces, particularly among young couples.

"In the past, there were stereotypes that painted divorce in a negative light. It was seen as unacceptable by both society and families, leading parents to teach their children often to remain patient. This mentality was enforced by common phrases such as "What will people think or say?" and "You're not the only ones who argue; your parents endured it, and so should you." As a result, young individuals were pressured to stay in their marriages, regardless of any issues within the family," Anna Sych says. "However, today's youth tends to prioritize their own happiness and reject societal expectations. They believe that it is unnecessary to tolerate conflicts with their partners or compromise and adjust to each other. This often results in the breaking up of couples due to "incompatible personalities."

She notes that many people refuse to reconcile, make changes, or seek compromises. This often happens when one person who has done everything to salvage the family no longer wants to put effort into the relationship and simply gives up.

Challenges in a marriage are a natural aspect of life together and can happen at various points. They are not limited to only experienced spouses but can also arise for those who are just beginning to live together. These conflicts are often evident through changes in behavior and communication patterns between partners. Typically, the following types of crises are identified:

1. 1. Post-wedding crisis. It may seem that after getting married, the couple should be happy, but at times, individuals may express dissatisfaction in their relationship, claiming to have lost their spark.

• Postpartum crisis. This is a special moment. It brings joy, but it can also cause stress. Changes in the daily routine, lack of sleep, changing roles and responsibilities — all this is very much reflected in the relationship.

• Adolescent period of children. Teenagers are trying to find their identity and independence, which can also create conflicts in the family.

• Lack of balance in roles. Partners often prioritize their role as parents and overlook other aspects of their relationship, such as being a husband and a wife, lovers, and friends.

• After the children grew up. When children become adults and leave the parental home, spouses may face desolation or a loss of clear purpose.

It's crucial to realize that conflicts are inevitable in relationships and can be resolved if both partners are proactive and united. The fundamental elements for overcoming crises include empathy, effective communication, and managing personal emotions, even during the most challenging times.

1. Insults and criticism: when partners are constantly insulting, humiliating, or criticizing each other, it can lead to the end of the relationship and even cause psychological harm.
2. Betrayal and deception. Losing trust can create challenging situations, and rebuilding relationships can be complicated.

"When a person has been betrayed, the whole meaning of family life is lost," Anna Sych explains. "Even if the family continues to live, it is almost impossible to heal this wound."

• Jealousy, especially if there is no reason for it.

• Unwillingness to accept differences – individual traits or behaviors of a significant other, such as temperament, work pace, approach to organization, or any other habits that have been ingrained since childhood.

• Lack of desire to negotiate and seek a compromise.

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Since the start of the full-scale invasion, 6.2 million Ukrainians have fled their country. The majority of these refugees are women and children. Many women who fled to other countries had husbands who stayed at home.

According to psychologist Anna Sych, after a year and a half, women in other countries have adapted to living independently. They have found new opportunities, made new connections and friends, and experienced a newfound sense of freedom. As they fully immerse themselves in this new environment, they may no longer feel the need to communicate with their husband, causing their feelings to fade and ultimately leading to the breakdown of the family. This is especially common if the relationship had more negative aspects than positive ones before the war.

"Let's be honest – in Ukraine, it's commonly believed that women are responsible for most household tasks and child-rearing. It's rare to find men who assist their wives in this regard. Typically, a man will come home from work and relax due to exhaustion. On the other hand, a woman works at her job and cares for their children, and if she also lives in a rural area, she has to make time for gardening and managing the household. On top of all this, she must cook, do laundry, clean, and make time for her husband. Abroad, the mentality is completely different. Duties are divided through mutual agreement. A woman is not considered a servant and does not owe anyone anything. It's unsurprising that after experiencing this stark contrast, many women do not want to return to their previous way of life," Anna Sych says.

When one spouse is in the military and the other stays at home, it can be a tough situation that needs perspective from both sides. For some couples, it can be a challenge that will bring them even closer. After all, when your partner is at war, he (or she) becomes a hero for you. You understand him more deeply; you respect him even more. Some families make incredible efforts to maintain contact to preserve intimacy and their feelings. Thus, even in such difficult circumstances, family relations can be preserved.

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In the meantime, some couples may face situations that can cause problems in their relationship, ultimately leading to the end of their marriage.

"It is important to recognize that war brings about significant changes. People can be psychologically affected by it, and in some cases, individuals who did not previously drink alcohol may begin doing so during their time in the war. And when they return home, they may unintentionally annoy their spouses while on vacation. Similarly, the stress of war can cause them to lash out at their family, such as their children and wives, who are closest to them. Naturally, a woman wouldn't want to live in such a tense and volatile atmosphere," Anna Sych says.

According to the expert, each person's capacity to wait for one another and respond to challenging circumstances is unique. Every family and couple is distinct, making it difficult to determine if a family will endure a war-induced separation. For example, there are instances where a marriage crumbles at the mere mention of physical cheating. At the same time, in other cases, partners are aware of each other's indiscretions but opt not to address them and remain together.

"Deciding to preserve family relationships or get a divorce is a challenging endeavor that ultimately relies on the couple themselves," Anna Sych explains. "No top psychologist, parental advice, or input from family and friends can resolve the situation if both partners are unwilling to work together. It is up to both individuals to communicate openly, share their thoughts and emotions, and come to a mutual decision on whether to continue their journey together. Seeking professional guidance when needed and making a joint effort to preserve or enhance their relationship is essential in this process."

According to Anna Sych, consistent communication is the key to a successful relationship. She provides various tactics to sustain a relationship during periods of separation:

1. Communicate as much as possible. If possible, try to meet more frequently or have phone conversations. Share kind words and discuss your feelings and expectations for your next meeting or conversation
2. Pictures and videos. Share pictures that bring back memories of moments and experiences you shared. Whenever possible, use video communication to see each other, as it can create a stronger sense of closeness compared to phone calls or texts.
3. Be frank. Talk about your feelings and thoughts, doubts, and hopes. It is important to be open with each other and express your needs and wishes.
4. Planning for the future. Talking about our plans inspires and strengthens trust, fosters unity, and creates a sense of a shared future.
5. Shared interests. Make sure to have common interests and engage in activities together, even if you're apart. For instance, you could watch movies simultaneously online or discuss the same literature or articles onlineю
6. Talk about love. Support your feelings and express your love for each other. Emphasize how important your partner is to you.

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• There's no indication of progress; neither partner seems willing or motivated to change.

• If the partners agree to make changes in their relationship but fail to follow through, which persists for an extended period, it could suggest that they are not prepared or willing to change.

• When one partner no longer wants to work together and find solutions, a marriage is likely approaching its end. This unwillingness to be a team player shows that the person has reached the limit and has no energy left to keep trying.

Should you stay married for the sake of your children?

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No, absolutely not, psychologist Anna Sych asserts. Family should first and foremost consist of a husband and wife, the foundation from which it is formed. If a child grows up in a household where there is no love, only disdain, conflicts, or even worse, abuse, they will not find happiness in living in a "complete" family.

Children whose parents choose to stay in destructive and unhappy relationships "for the sake of the children" may actually end up suffering more harm than those whose parents are divorced. This can have severe effects on a child's psychological growth and can have lasting impacts throughout their life.

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At first, these children might struggle with inner turmoil due to their parents staying in a dissatisfied relationship. This can lead to them feeling uneasy and unsure. As they grow up, these children may display immature behavior due to not having their parents demonstrate effective problem-solving and accountability skills.

Rather than staying together solely for the children's sake, it is crucial to work on improving the relationship or finding a solution to divorce if that is truly the best course of action. A carefully planned divorce and co-parenting agreement can ultimately be a healthier option for the children.

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