Teens with autism: Expert guide to support your child into secure adulthood

A special education teacher, psychotherapist, and mother of children with autism shared her personal experience and practical advice with Rubryka. How can we help a teen navigate the emotional and physiological challenges of adolescence? How do we prevent problematic behaviors and encourage independence? Find out in our article.

What's the problem?

Adolescence is a tough time for any family, but when a child has autism spectrum disorder (ASD), parents are left with even more questions. How do you help your teen become more independent? How do you support them when emotions run high? What if the usual parenting methods just don't work?

Many parents find themselves facing these struggles alone, feeling lost and powerless.

How Ukrainians implement inclusiveness to treat children with autism?

What's the solution?

"Autism is not a life sentence! The key is to recognize your child's strengths and teach them how to use them. No one says it's easy, but it's absolutely possible!" says Anastasiia Shvets, a special education teacher, a member of the Ukrainian Association of Music Therapists and the Ukrainian Union of Psychotherapists, and a mother of children with ASD — both preschool and teenage.

In this piece, she shares her journey and offers professional advice for parents on how to connect with their children, help them manage their emotions and physical changes, and foster responsibility and independence.

How does it work?

Teens with autism: Anastasiia Shvets' son is a teenager with ASD. Photo courtesy of Anasrasiia Shvets

One day, Anastasiia Shvets' eldest son came home from school wearing only shorts, a T-shirt, and sneakers. Nothing would have been unusual — except that it was negative 19°C outside. When she asked where the rest of his clothes were, he simply said, "I forgot them at school." 

Anastasiia explained that you can't dress so lightly in winter and could get sick. Her son didn't see the problem and confidently replied, "But I'm not cold!"

It took the family several years to teach him how to dress appropriately for the weather.

"As a mother of children with ASD, I observe my truly special kids every single day," says Anastasiia. 

Working with children on the autism spectrum, she understands better than anyone that what seems natural and straightforward to others may take these kids much more time, patience, and deliberate effort.

"We're all different, and children with autism aren't any more 'different' than the rest of us. It's more noticeable because they don't know how to hide it," says the psychotherapist.

In both her work and her parenting, Anastasiia follows one principle: every child with ASD has achievements — you just have to learn to see them, even if they might not be evident at first.

Teens with autism: Music therapy session for children. Photo courtesy of Anastasiia Shvets

As a specialist, Anastasiia Shvets has spent over a decade working with children on the autism spectrum and their parents. She notes that, more often than not, the parents — especially mothers — come to her feeling lost, exhausted, and drained from the daily fight for their child's future. 

One of the most challenging stages comes when their child enters adolescence. The challenges multiply, old methods stop working, and new ones still need to be discovered.

"Going through adolescence is hard, especially when you have ASD," says Anastasiia. It's a time when kids need just as much support as in early childhood, only in a different way.

1. Emotional self-regulation is a weak spot for people with ASD, and for teens with autism,  hormonal changes make it even harder to manage emotions. Their moods become more unpredictable, and self-control becomes an even greater struggle.
2. Difficulties with socialization mean that, like other teens, they start seeing their parents as less of an authority — but unlike neurotypical peers, they often don't have close friends to turn to instead. Finding such peers can be highly challenging.
3. Not understanding what's happening to them or why increases their already high baseline level of anxiety.
4. Early puberty is another common occurrence among autistic teens. A 10-year-old girl might get her first period, or a boy might start having nocturnal emissions. These changes can be incredibly distressing for an autistic child.
5. Provocative behavior is another common feature of adolescence. In teens with autism, it can sometimes take the form of psychological aggression because they struggle to separate a person from their actions.

👧🏼 Mother of a 10-year-old girl with ASD, shares when her daughter first got her period:

"She was terrified. She cried for three days. It took so much effort just to convince her she wasn't dying. I don't know how to handle her emotional outbursts… She feels like the whole world is against her. She says cruel things and takes it out on her tutors…"

Anastasiia explains that teens should never be left alone with their fears during times like these. 

• Conversations about puberty need to happen early because many autistic kids have a low baseline trust in the world, meaning these changes can take them completely by surprise.
• Parents should openly discuss topics like menstruation and nocturnal emissions, as well as other physical changes — shifting body shape, fluctuations in weight, and sudden growth spurts. 
• During this stage, feelings of weakness and fatigue are natural, as the bones and muscles grow much faster than the heart, which must work overtime to keep up. This can sometimes lead to a condition known as dystonia, occasionally accompanied by arrhythmia. For some kids, this triggers panic attacks and thoughts like, "I'm dying."

Some parents of teens with autism shared that their kids are sometimes aggressive, and their words can be incredibly hurtful:

👩🏻‍🦰 M., 12 years old:

"You're not a great mom, actually. And your cooking is bad. You always demand things from me, you won't let me watch what I want, and you don't understand me… Honestly, you should see a psychologist, not me, since you can't even control your own emotions."

👦🏻 A., 11 years old:

"You never loved me! You're the worst mom in the world!!!"

Anastasiia warns that without proper support, these experiences can lead to depression, heightened aggression, or even suicidal thoughts.

Taming emotions

Teens with autism: "Drawing out" moods and emotions. Photo courtesy of Anastasiia Shvets

"When we want to help a child with ASD develop emotional self-regulation, we have to find socially acceptable ways for them to express and process anger and aggression. Simply forbidding these emotions leads to explosive reactions. For example, they might need games where they can hit or break something," says psychotherapist Anastasiia Shvets.

She suggests several games that parents and children can play together to help manage anger and aggression (these should be played when the child is calm, as a form of practice):

• "Zoo"

Each player chooses an animal to "be" for the game. Then, everyone acts out how their animal expresses anger, using sounds (growling, roaring, etc.) and body movements (without touching anyone). After everyone has had a turn, there is a "return to human" ritual: players pat their arms and legs with their hands, stomp their feet, jump up and down, and shake their hands.

• "Rock Band"

Each person takes an empty plastic bottle (1 or 1.5 liters), sits in a circle at a table, and imagines they are the drummers in a rock band. Then, they play a rock song and "drum" on the table with the bottles until the song ends.

• "My Anger"

The child imagines a situation that makes them angry and starts "drawing" that anger on a piece of paper. The drawing may turn into chaotic scribbles, and the paper might tear in places. Once they feel anger has passed, they rip the paper into pieces and crumple it into a ball. Then, they stand as far as possible from an open trash bin and throw the paper ball into it, repeating until they hit the target.

Teaching teens with autism how to process anger

It is crucial to teach kids how to express their anger in a way that doesn't harm others. Some key rules:

1. You can hit things, but not people! (A table, a pillow, a toy.)
2. You can kick a ball or another object, but not a person or an animal.
3. You can throw things, but not at people or animals. (And never objects that can break, since that's dangerous.)
4. You can bite something, but not someone!

When talking to an autistic teenager, it's essential to consider their developmental level. The lower it is, the simpler and shorter the sentences should be.

Physical needs: building healthy boundaries in teens with autism

As teens with autism go through puberty, they may begin to explore masturbation. Parents must teach them appropriate behavioral guidelines — where, when, and for how long it is acceptable to meet their physical needs:

• "You can do it in the bathroom, bedroom, or the toilet. You have _ minutes for this between 6 p.m. and 7 p.m. You can't do it at school, on public transportation, or during therapy sessions.
• A sensory toy (such as a stress ball or fidget toy) can be introduced to support self-regulation. If the teenager feels the urge to engage in masturbation in a "banned" setting, squeezing the toy can serve as an alternative way to manage sensory needs.

Important: These guidelines apply to adolescents showing clear signs of puberty, such as menstruation or nocturnal emissions. If a child begins masturbating at an unusually early age, it is not considered typical behavior. In such cases, consulting a specialist is necessary to assess and address the cause appropriately.

Independence and self-sufficiency for teens with autism

Anastasiia's son is helping in the kitchen. Photo courtesy of Anastasii Shvets 

The primary goal for parents and professionals working with children with special educational needs is to help them become as independent and self-sufficient as possible. This means teaching them essential life skills, especially those they haven't yet mastered.

By adolescence, it's a great time to introduce practical skills for teens with autism, such as:

• Cooking – Finding recipes and preparing meals
• Shopping – Selecting and purchasing clothes, shoes, groceries, and hygiene products (both in stores and online)
• Financial skills – Paying bills and managing expenses
• Household chores – Creating a cleaning schedule and keeping their space tidy
• Budgeting – Planning and tracking personal finances

"Start small — let your teen take their first steps in new activities with your support, so they feel encouraged. Allow them to choose where they want to begin. Don't expect instant success — learning takes time, and mistakes are part of the process. Help them break tasks into steps and observe where they struggle. The most important thing is for them to feel capable," says psychotherapist Anastasiia Shvets.

She shares a personal story. When her son was 15, she was feeling very unwell. Without being asked, he prepared lunch for the family. "It was entirely his initiative — an honest, heartfelt act of care."

Using movies to strengthen bonds

Watching movies together can be a powerful way to connect with your teen. Films about adolescence can open up meaningful conversations, while educational movies can show that learning is exciting and valuable for the future.

This is also an excellent time for career exploration. Try analyzing your teen's strengths and discussing potential professions that align with their skills and interests.

But above all, never forget to say "I love you" as often as possible.

Even more helpful solutions!

For the past two years, Anastasiia Shvets and her colleagues at the Confidence Center for Psychological Support have led support groups for professionals and parents of children with special educational needs.

It all started with a family camp called "Among Our Own," a first-of-its-kind initiative in Ukraine by the Confidence team to work directly with families of autistic children. Parents could receive psychological support, make new friends, and regain strength in a safe, welcoming space. Over time, the team developed its specialized approach to working with parents, providing targeted guidance and support.

"We realized that parents and professionals needed far more information than we could fit into a camp session or a single meeting. That's how our four-week training program for specialists working with children with special needs was born," says Anastasiia. "The program focuses on understanding the root causes of challenging behaviors, how these behaviors affect learning, and most importantly, how to respond effectively. We aim to make life easier for parents and professionals — to give them the tools and confidence to handle difficult behavior, development, and education situations."

Anastasiia Shvets encourages parents of autistic children to seek out education programs that can teach them practical exercises, strategies, and tools to understand what they can do right now and manage and prevent burnout.

According to her, parents who complete her program come away with a powerful realization: they are not helpless. They learn where to seek professional help when needed and, just as importantly, what they can handle on their own. But perhaps the most rewarding feedback comes from the mothers themselves:

"I finally started breathing again."

"I've learned how to enjoy life."

"For the first time, I understand what I want."

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