“As the saying goes, if you save one person, you will save the entire world”: how Ukrainians adopt children during the war

According to the National Social Service of Ukraine, there were 15,697 Ukrainian orphans and children without parental care waiting for adoption as of the fall of 2023. However, there were nearly ten times fewer candidates seeking to become adoptive parents during that period.

Because children in care institutions do not receive proper attention, a significant number of students from orphanages and boarding schools are diagnosed with "delayed mental development." These children are cut off from the outside world. When they grow up and enter the real world, they lack knowledge of basic concepts we've known since childhood, like riding a tram or using a microwave. They also struggle to understand how to create a stable family and maintain healthy relationships.

Therefore, many children who grow up without parental care struggle to adapt to adulthood. As a result, they are often deprived of their parental rights since they lack the necessary skills to care for their own offspring, and their children can also be placed in boarding schools.

"When the war began, Sasha [shortened form from the name Oleksandr – ed.] and I wondered how we could help those affected. As the saying goes, if you save one person, you will save the entire world. So, we decided to adopt one child from an orphanage and provide that kid with a better life. The journey from idea to having this child in our home was long and challenging. I am pleased to say that Yurchyk [a tender from the name Yuriy – ed.], whom we have welcomed into our family, has been with us for eight months. It feels as though he has always been a part of our family," Lesia Fetisenko shares.

Adopting a child can be pretty difficult, especially during times of war. The bureaucratic process is already complex, with numerous checks involved. However, additional challenges arise during wartime, including the following:

• adoption of children during wartime is only permitted in regions without active hostilities where the Ukrainian government and local authorities are functioning normally; 
• adoption is only allowed for children whose family background has been thoroughly investigated; 
• the courts are currently limited in their abilities, hindering the adoption process in many regions of Ukraine;
• due to martial law, numerous Ukrainian orphans were evacuated to foreign countries, and strict limitations on adoption and foster care were imposed (although these restrictions were eventually removed in June of 2023.)

However, the young couple was not deterred by these challenges and remained determined to provide the Ukrainian child with a true family. They contacted their local children's services, and it took about a month to gather the required paperwork, including criminal records and income certificates, and pass a medical check-up and home evaluation to meet adoption criteria.

"Next, you'll need to complete mandatory courses for future parents and obtain the necessary certificate. These courses were of exceptional quality and led by passionate individuals dedicated to their work. Being among 15 other participants made the experience even more enjoyable, as we were all like-minded people. I was finally placed on the list of prospective adoptive parents after about five months of dealing with all the bureaucratic processes," Lesia Fetisenko remembers.

Then, the family began looking for their child. Unfortunately, there were no children available for adoption in their local area.

"We were instructed to search for the child independently on the Ministry of Social Policy's website. For two months, I made calls to different regions of the country. The child's physical appearance was not a concern for me; this was not a beauty contest. My only desire was to be a mother to a child without parents. Unfortunately, many of the profiles were not accurate. Some children were already adopted or living abroad. This was disheartening, so I asked my husband to call about two boys' profiles. Sasha was lucky on the first attempt. We received a referral and went to meet him. However, my husband was warned about the boy's serious medical condition, which deterred others from adopting him," Lesia shares.

Yuriy's mother left him at the maternity hospital right after he was born. Before the full-scale war, he lived in an orphanage in the Kyiv region, but they were eventually evacuated to western Ukraine. At the time, Yuriy was five and a half years old. When the couple looked at his documents, Lesia was surprised by some unexpected coincidence.

"Oh, it turns out our birthdays fall on the same day! When we first met, the nanny brought the little boy who seemed younger than his five and a half years. But he had the face of an angel! The staff introduced us, and we offered him something to play with. Suddenly, he looked at me and asked, "Are you my mother?" It was such a painful moment for me. Then he turned to Sasha and said, "Are you my dad? I've been waiting for you for so long!" Despite the diagnosis and any other challenges, we weren't scared. I just knew at that moment that we would take this boy. And later, we found out that he was healthy!" Lesia remembers.

Regrettably, the legal process for cases involving children has always been slow. Since the start of the war, handling cases related to termination of parental rights, adoption, and other matters has become even more delayed. Due to families being displaced to different parts of the country, many child welfare facilities and courts have also had to relocate. Consequently, the issue is constantly transferred from one region to another. However, until a court ruling is finalized, prospective adoptive parents are not permitted to have the child with them, and the child remains in a care facility.

"We were told to legalize the child's care and start the adoption process immediately so we could bring him home as soon as possible. It took three more weeks, but finally, we could take him in. When he saw us in the hallway, he ran out of the room and called me, "Mom!" It was a first for me, and it filled me with emotion. Yurchyk has been part of our family for eight months, but the court is still working on finalizing the adoption."

Lesia Fetisenko admits that the first few days were very stressful for everyone in the family, especially Yurchyk.

"He was extremely anxious about what might be behind the fence of the orphanage. When he boarded the train, he asked, "Where are you taking me?" He spent the whole night in a state of anxiety until we arrived in Kyiv. Upon entering the apartment, he was terrified and could not make sense of the room. Thankfully, we have a sweet white cat. Yura [shortened form for the name "Yuriy – ed.] had never seen cats before, but when he saw ours, he held onto her tightly and clung to her as if she were his only source of comfort. The child swayed back and forth like a pendulum, and I worried he might break something against the walls. However, it turned out that this action was calming for him," the woman remarks, "These movements have now completely stopped."

The child was unaware of the intended use of household items and was surprised and scared by them.

"I handed him the fork, and he asked, "What kind of stick is this? I won't eat; I'm scared to eat with it." He was also afraid and cried when the blender was turned on. Even though I thought I was prepared for the various manifestations of a child from an orphanage, seeing the extent of my son's trauma was still shocking. We had to teach him about food and its purpose. He only knew about basic dishes like beets, cabbage, soup, porridge, and cutlets. When I gave him cheese and meat, he refused because he wasn't familiar with those kinds of food. We had to convince him to adjust to everything gradually. The adaptation process is already complete, but it did take quite a while," Lesia explains.

After six months of living with the Fetisenko family, Yura started to express a desire for companions his age. Eventually, he was allowed to attend kindergarten. However, this raised a new issue.

"The kindergarten and the orphanage may appear similar from the outside, with both having groups of children. That's why I had to reassure my child that this is not an orphanage. He was worried that we might leave him there forever. But we managed to explain that all the children here have parents, and we will pick him up daily," shares the boy's mother.

Yurchyk attends a specialized speech therapy kindergarten to work on his speech. The Fetisenkos did not seek advice from other professionals and chose to handle it independently.

"Yeah, it's a bit difficult since we're both working parents. We don't usually seek out psychologists for assistance because we have our own approach. Sasha follows my lead in everything I do. When things get really tough for me, we use the "shift method": mom and dad take turns with 12-hour shifts. This allows us to recharge our batteries since our child always needs attention," Lesia explains.

Also, the family has developed its own approaches and rules that are clear to all family members. And it bears fruit.

"We stick to a strict daily routine where the child gets ready for bed at 8:30 p.m. and goes to the bathroom. Then we tell a bedtime story, and at 9:00 p.m., the lights go out. If he has trouble falling asleep, we sit and talk with him until he does. He usually wakes up between 6 and 7 in the morning, and we make sure to go for a daily walk. It's important to us that everything runs on schedule. Before the child goes to sleep, all toys must be put away, and he's even learned to change his clothes. He has learned so much since joining our family, from taking care of himself to behaving well in a family and society, and even how to apologize. He's come a long way and has even learned how to help us with day-to-day tasks that he didn't know how to do before."

"We had a hard time gaining his trust, but after a few months, he walked up to me, hugged me, and said, 'Mom, I love you!'" the woman recalls.

Lesia is now confident that her child, who used to fear the outside world, will start school in September. Rubryka asked her to give some advice to other prospective adoptive parents:

"My advice would be to ensure that you completely trust your partner. It's essential to agree on rules for behavior regarding the child. For instance, if the child starts screaming, one partner may have their own way of disciplining while the other may have a different approach. This should not happen, especially with a child. If any disagreements have already arisen, it's best to address them privately.

I suggest not being afraid of the genetic traits of the children you wish to adopt. Every child has their own unique character. However, we should be cautious of negative behavior. A child's behavior is often influenced by the adults around them and their upbringing, not just their genes," Lesia Fetisenko concludes.

Author: Kostiantyn Katyshev