Self-help for women: how to support yourself during war

Over the past eight months, women have learned not only to live in war conditions but also to take on additional responsibility and adapt to new realities. Ukrainian women bravely go to the army, volunteer, hold the information front, rebuild businesses, work and remain caring mothers and loving partners.

The role of women in the war and post-war reconstruction has yet to be fully understood by society. But it does not make it less critical. 

Such challenges allowed Ukrainian women to look at themselves from a different angle: to feel their importance and to become sure of their abilities and inner strength. Such awareness adds more confidence and allows a woman to create new initiatives, support loved ones, and follow her life guidelines. 

But, despite the active inclusion of Ukrainian women in the country's life, the war carries significant risks for women.

Changing roles. Until February 24, everyone had a life full of different functions: professional, family, biological, and social. A woman could be an SMM specialist, a wife, a mother, a theatergoer, and an activist. Different life domains were involved: we cared for others, felt love for ourselves, rested, and had an exciting time.

Many families were forced to move to another place, or a husband or wife went to serve in the Ukrainian Armed Forces. And such a change affects the distribution of roles. There is less time for yourself. You need to pay more attention to children or parents, adapt to new conditions, and look for additional income.

Many women are also involved in volunteering. The desire to help and benefit is a force that supports and helps to fight life's challenges. However, balancing and allocating your time and resources is necessary when assisting others properly.

Forced displacement. With the beginning of the full-scale invasion, many Ukrainians left their usual way of life and their homes and moved to another city. We also have many women who were forced to go abroad and seek help there. 

The situation of forced resettlement brings an additional psychological and physical burden. According to the Rapid gender analysis of Ukraine, conducted in March-April 2022 by UN Women and CARE International, female respondents note the loss of a sense of security after moving. A woman gets to a new place, loses direct contact with her usual social circle, and may feel mistrust and fear in a new environment.

Violence. The problem of domestic violence has worsened. A woman can become even more afraid to leave the usual residence or not know where to seek help. Because of the war, she is forced to spend more time at home with the aggressor. The risk of sexual violence has increased in the occupied territories.

These factors increase fear for one's safety and life and cause anxiety and stress. Therefore, psychological support is essential. In a study by UN Women and CARE International, 49% of female respondents said that the war affected mental health the most. 

Feeling guilty. Since many women left their homes, acquaintances, and husband, women feel ashamed of their actions and may judge themselves.

However, self-criticism does not help but drives even further to a dead end. Women don't replenish resources and refrain from feeling emotions or experiencing happy moments. As a result, the body becomes exhausted, and activity decreases. 

To break this vicious cycle of guilt, you can start with something simple:

• Write down the thoughts that make you feel guilty, for example: "I'm not doing enough."
• Write down statements that can support this opinion: "I don't help others enough, I don't volunteer enough."
• The next step is to write the arguments against this opinion: "Besides helping the state, I have to worry about my children and parents."
• Think about what you would say to a person with such an opinion about themselves.
• How would you reassure someone who came to you with a similar question?
• When you've written this down, think about what thought will support you in this situation. For example: "I do enough in the time I can allocate for it."

What markers show that you have a disturbed or lost sense of security? Security is our primary and necessary need. If we lose it, we may have the following feelings:

• anxiety, and fear for the future, which prevents us from planning and dreaming;
• internal pressure manifested in tension in the body;
• uncertainty and misunderstanding of the future;
• self-doubt, in one's capabilities, in one's future;
• powerlessness, which can be manifested in the feeling of inability to influence something or get a result;
• losing the desire to worry about one's life and comfort, to improve living conditions;
• loneliness and abandonment;
• loss of trust in acquaintances or general in the environment.

Information hygiene. We live in an information space. News quickly spreads from many sources and reaches each and every one of us. In the desire to control the situation, we lose orientation in time and absorb more and more information. As a result of uncontrolled media consumption, we feel fear and exhaustion.

Therefore, it is helpful to determine the time for reading the news. For example, you could choose 15 minutes in the morning and evening to review reliable resources. 

Routine. We are used to our phones working quickly and efficiently. But if the phone does not charge in time, it ceases to perform its functions. In the same way, a person needs a constant supply of energy. In war, our resources are depleted faster, so you need to give yourself time to recover. 

We need to be flexible and develop the ability to adapt quickly to new things. To start regaining control over your life, you should implement simple steps: make a routine of sleep and nutrition and allocate time for rest and work. Celebrate your daily achievements, and don't forget to praise yourself.

Self-help techniques. There are moments when emotions run high, and it is difficult to control yourself. In such situations, it is essential to remember self-help techniques:

• Breathe on a candle: when we are in a situation of stress or excitement, we catch our breath and feel that we lack oxygen. Therefore, it is crucial to stabilize breathing and fill the body with oxygen. Start blowing on your thumb and imagine you blowing on a candle. Breathe through your nose and slowly exhale through your mouth so as not to blow out the candle. 
• Grounding is a set of techniques that help shift attention and calm down. One example is the Alphabet Game. Choose a category, for example, food. But for each letter of the alphabet, think of a word that would belong to this group (orange, basil, cherry, etc.)
• Self-massage: you can massage your hands and face. Massage the left palm from the center to each finger in turn. Slowly. Pay attention to the places where you are rubbing. Next, move to the right hand and continue massaging. 
• Safe place: remember or imagine a place you like that yields joy and interest. Try to imagine yourself in this space, and consider the picture around you in detail: what sounds, smells, and colors prevail in your safe place and what you feel.

Such methods are effective and help to switch and stabilize your condition. You can find out more about various self-help ways in the guide "Important skills in times of stress: an illustrated guide," which is freely available.

Also, in working with the return of an inner sense of security, it is helpful to ask yourself the following questions:

• How do I feel now? What emotions prevail?
• Which emotions can help me cope with the situation, and which, on the contrary, become an obstacle?
• What can give me a sense of security?
• If something gives me a sense of security, where can I get it?
• If it is communication, with whom exactly do I have contact? Is this contact enough for me, or would I like to spend more time on this interaction?

Such questions will help you better understand yourself and your needs. Accordingly, you will be able to identify places, objects, activities, and surroundings that restore calmness and help stabilize the emotional state. 

Remember the values. We can feel anger, sadness, and disappointment when plans and our perfect world picture are destroyed. But at the same time, we can remember our dreams, values, and guidelines. The endless darkness of the night is made magical by the moon and the stars. Likewise, we have a constellation of values ​​that help us dream, plan for the future, and support loved ones and the country.  

Now our goal, what we were striving for and going for, may be unattainable. However, we can continue to live and adhere to our values: love, support loved ones, value freedom, and truth. You can perform small actions that correspond to your value orientations daily. You can find a way to show your values ​​in work, communication with people around you, in your attitude to yourself. 

War is a time of chaos that consumes many resources. Therefore, it is worth starting with small steps; over time, you will see the results of your actions. After all, for a big tree to grow, giving us fruits, a tiny seed must first be planted and nourished. It's the same with life—from small everyday steps, our ideas grow into new plans and are gradually realized and scaled. 

Accept help. Remember your social contacts. Close people and friends can support us, listen to and help us.

Sometimes you may want to share your thoughts and experiences with a psychologist. Now many free quality resources are ready to provide psychological support to the population. Use this opportunity and take care of both your physical and mental health.   

Remember, no matter how difficult times seem, you have inner strength through faith, values, acceptance of traditions, and songs. You can have the support of relatives or seek help at the level of the state or public organizations. You have accumulated experience, knowledge, and skills that cannot be taken away and which are your invaluable resource. You can continue to influence your life, make decisions and contribute to the country's development, but also be attentive to yourself and your needs.

Authors: Psychologists of Lifeline Ukraine Hotline 7333, Liubov Shynkariova and Anastasia Hlazkova