“Distance shortens when we have the same pain”: do’s and don’ts of speaking about the military and prisoners of war

Valeriia Subotina met the beginning of a full-scale invasion in Mariupol. At that time, she had been a reserve officer for several years, having retired due to her health. But when the Russian troops began to surround her hometown, she returned to the press service of the Azov regiment.

As long as possible, "Nava" traveled through Mariupol and recorded the consequences of Russia's aggression against the peaceful city. It didn't last long. Then, she, along with other military and civilians, was forced to go down into the Azovstal shelter, which became the last refuge in the city completely destroyed by the Russians.

She was wounded there on April 15 during another shelling. On May 5, "Nava" married her lover, border guard Andrii Subotin, who died there two days after the wedding. From there, on May 16, "Nava" went into Russian captivity, which lasted for 327 days until April 10, 2023.

Now, Subotina is fighting for Azovstal defenders, who have been in Russian captivity for the third year. She organizes rallies so that no one forgets about her comrades and tells the world about the crimes of the Russians.

What is the problem?

During the three years of the full-scale war, Ukrainians acquired new traumatic experiences during the shelling of their native cities, evacuations abroad, the occupation, storming of enemy positions, the death of fellow citizens, capture, and other horrors of war.

However, the military's experience is very different from that of civilians, and this difference polarizes society and distances Ukrainians from each other. A sincere conversation between these two categories can overcome this. However, Ukrainian civilian society is currently not ready to accept the military's experience, particularly that of prisoners.

"Sadly, people don't want to listen to public prisoners of war, watch their honest interviews, read this book ("Captivity" by Valeriia "Nava" Subotina — ed.) and books published by other defenders of Ukraine. It's much easier to just ask something simple, without understanding how difficult it is to answer such questions every day," says Subotina.

Conversations based on such questions irritate and encourage the military to withdraw into their circle, where there are no civilians. This is how the split between these categories of the population is formed.

The servicewoman shares that when interacting with her comrades, she gets inspired and continues believing in victory. However, she often gets sad or even offended after communicating with civilians. And this should not be the case.

What is the solution?

The media acts as a bridge that should establish communication between civilians and the military. The quality of their work determines whether Ukrainians will move away from each other or, on the contrary, get closer.

"To shorten the distance, journalistic materials are actually enough. I wish there were more in-depth materials and not those that broadcast only the top of the problem or those that ask the same questions," says "Nava."

In her opinion, the media should show the truth, even when it is not as pleasant as people would like. The more people speak and hear it, the shorter the distance between civilians and the military will become.

According to Subotina, journalists and how they cover today's events play a leading role here. Through their work, they should create common points of contact for civilians and the military so that they can unite around topics that concern them equally.

"The distance shortens when we live with the same pain, such as the soldiers, the defenders of Mariupol, who are still in captivity. The more you are interested in this topic, the shorter the distance between society and military personnel," Subotina believes.

How does it work?

According to Subotina, the audience finds the fictional image of prisoners of war more interesting than the real person. Therefore, journalists try to adjust the interlocutor in their materials to this image. Instead of telling the story of a real person, they show what the audience will like.

"The audience is more interested in seeing a certain image, but this image is not real. In fact, the same division between military personnel and civilians continues to grow. Because even a military servicemember, who later watches a story about themself, does not recognize themself in this story," says "Nava."

As a result, a pleasant picture of how the soldiers returned from captivity and how their lives are improving is more popular in Ukrainian society. However, this is not always the case, and there can be many problems along the way, such as lack of housing or funds, lost careers, family problems, etc.

Subotina shares she is tired of the same questions, the answers everyone has heard for a long time. Journalists often ask where she finds the strength to live on. Subotina says that they probably don't like her answer. 

"I live because I have no choice. What are the alternatives?" Subotina says. 

The solution is that there is no single format for communicating with ex-POWs, as everyone experiences trauma differently. Journalists should not try to "fit" all the heroes of their materials to one template, on the contrary, they should constantly learn and adapt to the interlocutor.

"We are all completely different. Some do not want to communicate at all, and some want to talk a lot. However, the main task of a journalist is to adapt to a person. You should listen, be empathetic, and try to understand," "Nava" says.

Subotina also advises not avoiding taboo topics when talking to a former prisoner of war. She believes that they are not taboo for many former prisoners of war, wounded or servicemembers with limb amputations — all these limitations and fears exist only in the heads of other people. This applies, in particular, to the topic of sexual violence.

"If you don't ask about it, if you're afraid, you're supporting human abusers, whether you want it or not. Because there is absolutely no shame in talking about sexual violence, beatings, and personal humiliation. It is necessary to explain to society that it is normal to talk about it, it is normal to hear about it, and it is normal to perceive it. It's not normal to do that," Valeriya Subotina says.

Subotina believes that support for former prisoners of war should be completely different from the current one. "Nava" offers to imagine a situation in which you need support. What would you like to hear, and what questions would be inappropriate?

In particular, she considers it superfluous to feel pity for servicemembers who lost limbs or went through captivity. She explains that most of her comrades voluntarily joined the army back in 2014 when the war in Ukraine's east was unleashed. She believes it is wrong to pity a person for their conscious decision to go and defend the country.

"There is quite a lot of pity from society but little pride. To pity and feel sorry for a person for their decision is strange, and it causes unpleasant feelings because, for absolutely all servicemembers of the Azov regiment, it was their conscious decision," says Subotina.

She shares that her comrades who received below-knee amputations and remain at the front want society to be proud of them and support them, as well as military personnel with higher amputations, who, if they could, would also remain at the front. Instead, they hear words like we support our defenders at the front, but we will not let our family members go there.

"There should not be this division. I am sure that every Ukrainian has, if not a family member at the front, then a friend or acquaintance who lives by volunteering. It is necessary to understand that we are all involved in this war," Subotina says.

Journalists can help the military by broadcasting relevant messages. But they don't have to become psychotherapists when interviewing someone with a traumatic experience. Tetyana Troshchynska emphasizes that most people do not expect this from journalists.

"It is a very big illusion that everyone wants to talk to journalists. They want to talk to someone they trust. We have a completely different task than journalists. We have a task for a person to entrust us with their story, and it is essential to understand that this is the person's story, not a clickbait," she says.

"People who live with a traumatic experience come tense and will leave tense. And we can't always change it. One conversation with a journalist does not fill the loss. It is just important not to deepen the trauma, that's all," continues Troshchynska.

In the third year of the full-scale invasion, it is becoming increasingly difficult for journalists to find new informational opportunities to make a story about former or current prisoners of war engaging for the audience. However, Subotina insists that it is important to continue talking about them, and any plot or text will be interesting if it tells a human story.

But then the question is, is it safe to tell the stories of those still in captivity and to mention their names, as this may increase the value of the captive in exchange and make it more difficult for them to return home?

"I believe speaking names and talking about specific personalities is necessary. When we were at Azovstal and told that 2,500 servicemembers were still alive and on the plant's territory, were you interested? Maybe, but I'm sure it was more interesting when we learned about specific people — a "Bird" that sang; "Orest," a guy in the photo with a beam, who is already the head of the press service; "Hasan," a doctor who saves lives," Subotina explains.

"Nava" says that she has no living blood relatives left, so the decision whether to talk about her was made by the parents of her deceased husband. Although they did not know what story "Nava" chose for herself in captivity or whether she told about her husband, the son of a combat general of the State Border Service, they decided to talk about her.

Such a decision could harm the captive, but the parents chose the right communication strategy. They spoke of her not as a warrior but as the wife of their dead son. They talked about the daughter-in-law, who was their only hope.

"When parents of soldiers who are in captivity give interviews, they should not give too much information about what kind of soldiers their children are. If we talk about the fact that a parent is waiting for their child from captivity or a wife is waiting for her husband, this will not be a reason to increase the price," says Subotina.

However, the final decision should be made by the prisoners' relatives. If they agree, then journalists can tell the prisoners' personal stories.

"I am very grateful that you speak about the prisoners and join our actions of the informational struggle for them, but try to start listening more and seeing more. And do not engage in heroism where there are real heroes—just show them. This, believe me, will benefit your materials," Subotina sums up the conversation.