Support groups for women waiting for their loved ones from war: how they work

Mariia Stetsyuk is a psychologist, author of the "Girls, who are waiting" project, and head of support groups at "Veteran HUB." Stetsyuk is no stranger to waiting  — her lover went to fight in Ukraine's east in 2015.

"If there were such groups in 2015, I think it would be easier for me to live through periods of worrying, anxiety, and lack of communication," says the psychologist.

Almost immediately after the full-scale invasion began in 2022, she realized that many women needed support. And one of the practical tools can be group meetings with those who are going through the same experience  — those who are waiting. They will understand, support, and share each other's worries.

Mariia's project is one of many in Ukraine. But they all have the same goal: to support women and, through that help, support Ukrainian soldiers because it is crucial for them to know that their loved ones are okay. 

With the beginning of the full-scale invasion in Ukraine, one of the strata of society — military families waiting for their relatives — has expanded significantly. The war affects them the most. It doesn't matter where a woman is waiting: abroad after fleeing the war, in the rear in Ukraine, or areas close to hostilities. Mentally, she is always on the front line with her beloved.

For such women, war is always a reference point and an eternal trigger. After all, the war took away one of the most critical sources of support from them  — their loved ones. 

Such women often remain in psychological and social isolation. The usual "I understand you" or "everything will be fine" rarely works because only those living through a similar experience can understand those waiting for their loved ones to return from the war.

In March 2022, a friend called Mariia. On February 24, her husband went to war. She was left alone with a small child.

"When a friend called me, there was no contact with her husband. She asked for support because she knew I had the same experience of waiting since 2015," Stetsyuk recalls.

They talked for several evenings in a row and just kept in touch. Mariia became a support for her friend, a foothold she lost with the start of a full-scale invasion. And then, the psychologist realized that, in fact, so many women need the same support. 

Mariia already had experience running support groups — she was in charge of groups for veterans returning from the war in 2017-2019. She knew how these meetings worked and how they could affect the participants. So she decided to try to organize such groups for women waiting for their loved ones so that they could live through this experience together.

Mariia shared her idea on social networks. Many women responded, and the post became popular — the two groups were formed very quickly. At the same time, the head of the Veteran Hub approached Mariia and offered to do the project together on a larger scale. This is how this project came to life and continues to develop.

Other initiators and organizations started launching similar projects. So, for example, since April 2022, online meetings for military families have been conducted by psychologists of the NGO Public Movement "Women's Force of Ukraine." Millions of Ukrainian women face a challenging experience that is difficult to live through without external help. That is why the demand for support and communication in a safe circle is so high today.

The very idea of support groups is based on the fact that participants help each other: talk about experiences, listen to each other, and share pain and worries. In such groups, the leader acts as a facilitator rather than an expert psychologist and supervises and structures the participants' work.

The meetings can be online and offline, open and closed (when the group is formed at the beginning of work and the participants' list is fixed), limited in the number of meetings, and without limitation of the period of work of groups.

NGO Public Movement "Women's Force of Ukraine" organizes weekly closed online groups.  According to psychologist and group leader Yana Moos, more than a thousand participants have attended the meetings since the end of April 2022.

The organization holds five meetings with each group of 20 or more participants. The work goes on not only during the meetings but also outside them. Much time and attention go into selecting topics and techniques to best help women in their situations.

Veteran Hub's "Girls who are waiting" groups operate primarily online, and offline meetings are held in Kyiv and Vinnytsia hubs.

Currently, the psychologist is in charge of five such groups. One of them is for the wives of prisoners of war and missing persons. The number of participants in one group varies from 10 to 12. The psychologist works with approximately 60 girls at the same time.

A support group differs from a therapy group because the participants heal each other with their experience and attention. The psychologist facilitator should have the same experience as the group participants for everyone to feel like equals.

Bohdana has been attending support groups for almost a year. On February 24, her loved one went to war. Bohdana's husband is a military man, so it would seem that waiting for her is not something new and unknown. But she says that it is impossible to get used to this.

"On the one hand, I try to convince myself that everything will be over soon, and on the other hand, I see news from the front and understand that the war may drag on," Bohdana continues. "Waiting is terrifying because our youth and the period we should have spent together is running away from us; our relationship seems frozen. Our communication is limited to short calls — and I'm happy if there are any. Just phrases: '4.5.0.', which means 'everything is calm,' 'Everything is fine, I'm alive,' or 'It was tough.'"

In the first days of the war, Bohdana volunteered non-stop. It somehow helped to silence the pain, not to think about the fact that her husband does not pick up the phone and she does not know where he is and what is happening to him now. But when the adrenaline wore off, anxiety and worry took their toll.

"I was in very bad shape. And there were no people around who would experience the same. I felt lonely. Most friends or acquaintances had their husbands at home, and I could not share my feelings. By chance, I saw an announcement from Veteran Hub about support groups — and applied, which was a really good decision. I found a community where I could be heard. They understood me."

Group participants are surprised by not being alone in their feelings and experiences. After a loved one goes to war, a woman lives through a borderline, where "before" she had a clear status, social role, support, etc., and "after" brings constant anxiety, stress, and misunderstanding from relatives and acquaintances. She finds herself in a silent abyss — when the words "I understand you" no longer mean much to her. And in a group where participants experience the same, a woman gets out of the state of loneliness and can openly talk about her feelings.

"I like to joke that I organized these support groups primarily for myself, to support myself," shares Mariia. "Maybe it sounds selfish. But these groups really support me. Sometimes it is difficult to stop thinking about the stories I hear during the session. It's as if I'm waiting with these girls for my beloved and theirs."

Mariia's husband getting ready for deployment. Source: photo from the archive of Mariia Stetsyuk

Yana Moos and Mariia Stetsyuk say that the most valuable thing for girls is realizing they are not alone. After all, women who are waiting often get the impression that the world continues to live as usual, and they are left alone with their experiences.

"The main issue is anxiety and concern for the safety and life of a loved one. Especially in moments when there is no connection. Or when a loved one is in the front-line position. And no matter what you do, every day you have these thoughts: 'How is he there?', 'When will the next message come?', 'When will the next call be?' And at the same time, you have to try to live, combine different responsibilities: work, motherhood, everyday routine," Stetsyuk says that many girls come with a need to understand how to cope with new responsibilities.

Girls are also concerned about social isolation. They often lose the desire to maintain those connections that existed before. Sometimes relatives or friends drift away. But the need for communication, understanding, and support remains.

Anastasiia Haychuk has been attending the meetings since the fall. She says the group is like a breath of fresh air for her.

"I have been waiting for my husband since the beginning of spring 2022. The hardest thing is when he doesn't get in touch. It is hard to realize that our children are growing up without a dad. It isn't easy to see how full families walk the city streets on weekends. Although, of course, in no way do I want them to go through what we are going through today," the woman shares.

Anastasiia says that she perceives a group as a meeting with her friends because it is a place where you can not filter your feelings to avoid offending someone. Because here you will definitely be understood.

According to psychologists, girls' request for the so-called normalization of their emotions and states is also very frequent. Being in emotional and social isolation, a woman can, for example, feel angry with her friends whose husbands did not go to fight. She doesn't understand if it's normal or not. And in the circle of people feeling the same, she realizes this is all normal.

Sudden life changes are often accompanied by the loss of support — resources that have been important. Being alone without a loved one may be a loss of support for a woman. Psychologists advise paying attention to what can support you now: work and communication with friends and loved ones.

"I often emphasize in groups that you should not be ashamed to admit your problems," says the psychologist. "If necessary, consult a psychiatrist. Now there are so many initiatives for psychological and psychiatric help that are free of charge. The main thing is to start, and then the doctor or therapist will recommend how to act correctly."

The psychologist includes apathy, sleep problems, overeating, or lack of appetite as symptoms that indicate the need for seeking help.

A person might wake up in the morning and not understand why they should live this day or do something. They may lie in bed and not even want to get up and brush their teeth. Irritability, excessive aggression, and nervousness may also appear. If these symptoms last over two weeks, one should pay attention to this. If there is an opportunity, one should immediately contact a psychiatrist — talk it all over and listen to their recommendations.

"Thanks to the girls, I started to care more for myself, keep a therapeutic diary, pay attention to my emotions, and monitor my diet. Waiting has become much easier for me because I am not alone in carrying this burden. It's about the feeling of community and a small family," shares Bohdana.

Often, a person who does not have the experience of waiting for loved ones from the war, communicating with a woman who is waiting can even accidentally say a phrase that hurts or offends. In support groups, girls often share such experiences.

"Since February, everyone has been living their own experience. And I am sure that it should not be compared. However, we are often unable to fully understand what a person is going through if we have not experienced something similar," says Stetsyuk.

Here, Rubryka provides some essential tips for communicating with military families. Stetsyuk described these tips a few months ago on her Facebook page. But they remain relevant even now.

• "The worst thing you can say to those waiting is: 'How could you let him/her go to war to certain death?!' writes Mariia.

The psychologist emphasizes that a person's choice is their personal business. We cannot forcefully tie someone down and tell them what to do. In the same way, you should not ask why the woman let her lover go because he is an adult.

• "Don't say 'I understand you' if you have never waited for anyone from the war because you don't understand. Perhaps, fortunately. Better to ask, 'How can I support you today?' or 'What can I do for you now?'

The phrase "I understand you" only annoys those who are waiting. Without living a similar experience, a person cannot fully understand what another person is going through.

• "Another universal rule applies to many situations — do not give advice if no one asks. Your experience may not be relevant to another person's experience. It is especially unnecessary to say, 'If I were you, I would…'".

The psychologist says you can simply listen to the person, allow them to talk, and share their pain or experiences. If you are asked for advice, then, of course, you can share your experience.

• "Do not ask if the person they are waiting for has been in touch. Maybe the person is worried that there have been no messages or calls for a long time, and your questions will add to the anxiety," Mariia advises.

You can offer to spend time together, take a break, go for a walk, etc. This will help a person fill the waiting time and switch their attention to something pleasant.

• "People often drift away from the person waiting for someone just because they don't know what to discuss their worries. On the contrary, I recommend not leaving a person in isolation but spending time with them. If a person wants it, of course."

You can also offer help. When a family member goes to the army, a woman has many tasks she has not performed before. Just ask if she needs anything at this time.

• "Another insensitive point, which relatives of military personnel often encounter, is a phrase like 'Well, they receive about $2700, so why are you sad'."

This phrase hurts the feelings of a person waiting perhaps the most. After all, no money is worth what they face every day.

• In the presence of military families, you should also not say phrases like "It's a good thing that my husband was not mobilized," "He was not born for war," "He cannot kill," "He has children, he cannot go to war."

The psychologist adds that no one is born for war, but many men and women are now forced to defend the country. Therefore, instead of these phrases, it is better to just mentally (or out loud) thank them for this.

• "You should not discuss with those waiting where summonses are now being distributed, for example. Or how it is better to take the husband abroad or similar topics related to evasion of service."

Military families are especially sensitive to this kind of talk. Instead, it is better to ask how we can help those fighting.

• "Don't judge, don't tell what the waiting person should feel, don't devalue feelings and emotions."

"Don't cry," "You are so strong," "This is your new experience." It is better to avoid THOSE phrases. They have the right to these feelings, to be strong, to cry.

• "Don't push if you feel you have become distant from those waiting. It may happen that they are now closer to people who have a similar experience. Just be there if these relationships are important to you."

Military families who are waiting for their relatives and loved ones from the war are people who live through a challenging experience. They don't have deadlines, they don't have forecasts, and they haven't made plans for a long time. In most of them, life has "frozen" for an indefinite period. And in this "pause," full of fears, anxieties, and apathy, they must learn to live, cope, build, and maintain relationships with loved ones.

People should not live in illusions that all the problems will be solved instantly with the war's end.

"The biggest work will begin only after the victory — those who will return home will need a lot of support," Mariia Stetsyuk emphasizes.

At the same time, people who are waiting also need support. That is why psychologists emphasize that girls, mothers, and wives should take care of themselves now to support their loved ones later.

To join Veteran Hub's Girls who are waiting support group, fill out the form at the link:

There is also a Telegram channel for the entire community of girls: https://t.me/divchata_chekayut 

You can join support groups from the NGO Public Movement "Women's Force of Ukraine":

• by visiting the project website: https://www.pidtrymka.in.ua/
• through the organization's social networks: https://www.facebook.com/syla.in.ua/